allthisshitisweird | TEST DRIVE MEME!

TEST DRIVE: ORLAIS EDITION

I. EVERYBEAR I GO

Believe it or not, there are bears in Orlais, too. Stuffed ones posed in noble salons casting intimidating shadows as lords tell unlikely stories about how they bravely stared the great beast in the eye before they slayed it with a single shot. One comtesse keeps bears as pets in large pens on her estate, much to the distress of her nearest neighbors. But most common are the dancing bear acts found on street corners here and there. Perhaps there is some sort of special bear communication network that has passed on a message, because it seems like the presence of the Inquisition has inspired these bears to finally make a break for it out of servitude, and that is how you find yourself being chased by a bear in a belled hat down a narrow cobbled alley lined with street vendors.

II. OUI OUI MON AMI

The Inquisition's efforts are currently focused on Orlais, where a civil war is raging and intelligence indicates Corypheus seeks to eliminate Empress Celene, while the oppressed elven population's discontent threatens to bubble over into a second rebellion. The Inquisition's activities here are mostly political and designed to gather influence and information: endeavoring to make a good impression at the ball of an influential comtesse with ties to the Council of Heralds, or assisting with the reconstruction of the alienage district destroyed by fire. There are rowdy soldiers in taverns to eavesdrop on, and restless crowds listening to streetcorner speakers preach Celene's virtues, or Gaspard's, or lament the end of the world.

But honestly, who cares about any of that? Halamshiral also offers great high-end shopping. Priorities. Gowns, tunics, fur-trimmed cloaks, sleeves slashed and puffed with layers of bright-colored satin. Tall boots with gold spurs to clink as you walk. Veils, lace-trimmed smallclothes, perfumes, necklaces worth your weight in gold. If you have the coin, the shopkeeps have time for you. The slightest whiff of poverty will leave them cold toward you. They might even pretend not to see you, but hey: they work on commission.

Even among decadence and finery, there are signs of unrest. In an out-of-the-way village square, little Orlesian children gather to throw thick gold coins in a gilt fountain, with whispered wishes and giggles. All at once, a thief pushes his way into their circle, breaking the idyllic scene. He leaps into the fountain and grabs a handful of coin. Thin, dirty, ragged, hollow-eyed and, under the hood of his cloak, elven, he scans the now-screaming children -- and then takes off running.

“Stop him!” howls one precious Orlesian cherub, her rosy cheeks streaked with tears. “That dirty knife-ear took my money!”

Kids are just the cutest.

III. SKYHOLD

Skyhold is where people who don't like fun accents and life being a constant masquerade hang around repairing walls, filling out paperwork, and, on rare occasions, engaging in elaborate, color-coded team snowball fights.

That last occasion? Totally over. Now the Inquisition will see you work, work, work, work, work. Working to save Thedas is not all fun and games, and there are plenty of things to keep you busy in Skyhold. See that roof over there? It has a hole in it. Climb up, someone suggests, and fix it. See that hole over there, in the wall? Some drunk from the tavern fell through it yesterday, and it needs repairs. See that floor over there? It’s dirty. And here’s a mop.

If these tasks seem too menial and demeaning, perhaps you’d like to head up to the library and reshelve some books. Perhaps you’d like to meet a special friend there? The stacks are warm and cozy, and at least a little out of the way. Secret spaces are at a premium. But be careful: you aren’t the only one in Skyhold, no matter how many people shipped out to Orlais.

If warm ovens are more your style than warm books, try the kitchens. They could always use a helping hand - especially because one of the baby griffons has made its way down there. A sharp-beaked competition for your plans to pilfer snacks, but you’ll prevail, right? The griffon loves chicken, and the taste of your blood. Get her outside before she gets too comfortable.

Or just feed the dogs, you dirty Fereldan.

IV. WILDCARD

Thedas is a big place. Do something else in it. Maybe in the Hinterlands.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

bears

[ generally speaking, loose bears are a cause for alarm anywhere (ranking only slightly below loose seals in terms of danger), but particularly so here in orlais. there's probably no bigger faux pas than one's trained bear making a break for it down the streets of val royeaux. so embarrassing!

the risk of mauling isn't so good either.

all of this is probably why an elvhen woman is barreling through town cackling, a bear in a tiny, ribbon-covered hat hot on her heels. occasionally she'll shove someone out of her way, shouting things like, "it's a bear, stupid! move!"

shop stands are knocked over, restaurants ravaged, and tapestries torn down in the wake of the pair. it only ends when sera finally ducks into an alleyway as the bear gallops past.

she bends over, bracing herself on the wall as she catches her breath, then she looks up at the poor soul who'd undoubtedly been trying to hide from the mayhem and grins toothily. ]

Did you see it? The bear was all "raaaaagh!" and everyone was like, "Oh no, I've got bear shite on my brand new ugly gold-plated, buckle-y shoes!"

[ she laughs. ]

Stupid. I mean, a bear's a bear, yeah? Can't train bears to do funny little dances and never expect them to get fed up of it.

[ she waits expectantly for agreement.

somewhere in the distance, there comes the distinct sound of another shop toppling. ]

skyhold

[ your shoes are stuck to the floor.

is it some kind of paste? is it nails?

does it matter?

probably not because try as you might, you can't unstick them.

also, please ignore the suspect giggle your closet just gave. nothing to see here. ]

Andraste's tits--

[Korrin sighs deeply as she slides her feet into her dragonhide boots...and then realizes that she can't lift them at all. She tries to yank them away from the floor, but they're stuck fast, and all the swearing in Trade and Qunlat isn't going to dislodge them. She'll go through several more of Andraste's body parts before she's done.

And that giggle catches her attention, as she's bracing herself against the wall to slide her feet out of said boots. This is what she gets for leaving them out.]

I can hear you, you know. What the fuck did you do to them?

[The mad dash had been exhausting and bizarrely exhilarating, but Anders is rather glad to be catching his breath now, in relative safety as he pushes up the Inquisition-owned mask he's been wearing to give Sera a smile back.]

I was mostly trying not to see it so I could keep ahead of it... but I heard the yelling.

[Until coming to Orlais he really hadn't understood why Fereldans hated Orlesians so much. It's starting to dawn on him now, though.]

Though, now that we're not hurt, you have to appreciate the arrogance that keeps them from learning. And keeps getting their shoes messed up.

TEST DRIVE MEME!

sera / idk some game you've probably never heard of

Skyhold

beaaaaars