allthisshitisweird | TEST DRIVE MEME!

Surprise, Beartch

Bet You Thought Etc.

Maybe the Inquisition sent you, maybe you came seeking the Inquisition. Maybe you fell out of a rift into this world last week and are still just trying to find your feet. However it happened, early fall finds you in the Hinterlands. Tucked between Ferelden's massive Lake Calenhad and the icy Frostback Mountains, the Hinterlands are a hilly region covered in patchy forests and small farms trying to eke out a living between the boulders. Though somewhat remote, the area is rich with game and minerals and home to Redcliffe, a bustling town on a busy trade route.

The Inquisition has set up several camps and sent personnel to try to restore order to the region, unwilling to let it slip into chaos. There's a lot to be done, some of it straightforward killing bad things, some of it weird and nebulous morale-building.

I. DRAGONS

There is a dragon in the Hinterlands. Everyone knows this. It's difficult not to notice when a dragon flies overhead with a mouth full of screaming sheep (alas, the poor dead sheep) or scorches your fishing boat and makes you swim for it (alas, the poor soaked fishermen). But she's only rarely sighted, and her lair is as of yet unknown, if "yet" is defined as "the moment before this exact moment, right now." Because you've found her. She is, at this very moment, screeching so loud it rattles the cliff sides that are trapping you in her territory and raining fire down over the only clear path of escape. She and her two dozen children don't care if you only wanted some elfroot and spindleweed. They also don't care if you have a sword. You look way more delicious and less woolly than a sheep.

II. CROSSROADS

In the year since the Inquisition's formation, the Crossroads have changed. Most of the refugees from the Mage/Templar War have moved on--if not back home, to new places--and there's been some progress rebuilding the homes and fortresses ruined by the war. Very few people are still living in caves. But rather than quieting down, the Crossroads have begun to bustle. Between the Inquisition's locally stationed forces and the increasing number of travelers and merchants now that the roads are safer, there's enough business to support a tavern with a few rooms for rent, and the Crossroads are becoming a trading post in their own right rather than a dot of houses on the path to Redcliffe--a great place to stop for a drink, to buy basic weaponry, or to unload all of the bear skins you've collected.

III. BEARS

You have turned the wrong corner, forded the wrong stream, crested the wrong hill, entered the wrong cave. Maybe you are far from camp. Maybe you are in camp. Whatever has happened, wherever you are: you are being chased by bears. Did you provoke the bears? Are they huge? Babies? Fade-touched? Mage-controlled? What are they chasing you away from? What are they chasing you into? What do you plan to make out of their hide if you kill them? What do you think they'll craft out of your hide if they kill you?

IV. CRYSTALS

Members and trusted agents of the Inquisition are given access to one of the Inquisition's stores of ancient, mysterious sending crystals, allowing them to communicate instantaneously by voice. It's magic. And a magical excuse to ask everyone what their favorite constellation is in the middle of the night.

Or to call for help because you've been treed by bears.

Either way.

V. MISCELLANEOUS

Choose your own adventure! Hunt game, kill demons, gather herbs, track bandits, haggle over the price of armor, fall off a deceptively tall rock, get lost circling the same hill ten times trying to find a way up to the weird glowing skull on a stick you can see is up there, climb trees or abandoned towers, rummage around in empty homes, run from a dragon, cry over how cute that fennec fox you just shot was, set up camp and chat around the fire, knock yourself out (figuratively, or even literally if that's more your speed)-- the Hinterlands are your Frostback Mountain oyster.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I forgot all my manners when you said you were wandering into dragon territory unaccompanied, jackass.

I'm sorry, have you forgotten the situation you're in? [YOU DID THE SAME SHIT, ASSHOLE.]

Well, I didn't do it on fuckin' purpose!

And now I'm gettin' you out of it on fuckin' purpose so shut up and get ready to climb.

Did I not describe the dragon enough? Is that the problem? Do I need to be like 'hey, Gibbs, it's the size of a house, breathes fire, and can devour your skinny ass in one gulp'?

You ain't any bigger than me, asshole.

Yeah, that's definitely the part of that description you should focus on.

In case you haven't noticed, I got a staff now that can fry the wings off a bat from a mile away. I'll be fine.

This ain't a bat.

That's an argument we can have when you're not at risk of getting roasted.

If you don't know the difference between a dragon and a bat I'm not letting you rescue me.

If you don't know the difference between a smuggler and a dragon you don't deserve to be rescued.

The thing about dragons is that they swoop. From places you don't expect.

And swooping is bad, yeah, yeah. I think I'm almost there.

[He's coming through a ravine, and starting to smell fire.]

Just be careful, jackass.

"Uh huh."

Raylan tucked the crystal away once he was done with it, stepping carefully through the ravine and ducking back when he saw a valley stretched in front of him. Carefully, he leaned out, getting a better look.

Mama was nowhere in sight, but the babies were milling randomly around the valley. Even they were nothing to fuck with, though, and Raylan ran through his barrier spell in his mind a couple of times, making absolutely sure he could cast it quickly, the second he saw a fireball coming at him and no sooner. He didn't want to waste it.

He grabbed the crystal again. "You ready? Get ready to climb."

"If you get killed, I'm gonna walk through a rift, find your spirit, and yell at you."

So, yes, he was ready. Mostly ready, anyway. He didn't like the thought of running away and leaving Raylan to face the dragon alone, but from the clifftop he might have a better vantage point and he could watch what went down.

"Let's go."

"Count of five. One...two..." He put the crystal away on two, so his hands were free, trusting Tim to keep up the count in his head.

When he hit five, he came out swinging, the crackle and boom of lightning magic echoing through the valley as he sent a powerful bolt at the furthest dragonling that he could reach. At first they converged on that spot, giving Raylan enough time to get his barrier up before they figured out where he was. He spun the staff around, spitting lightning at them with furious speed as they came to swarm him. From far away, he heard a rumble and a thump, presumably their mother waking up and wondering what all the fuss was about.

Tim slithered out of the awkward position he'd wedged himself into to make sure he was out of reach of any flame that got breathed in and pulled himself to the edge of the cave. He didn't get a chance to look around for Raylan before he heard the crack of thunder that meant time to move.

The cliff wasn't hard to climb when you didn't have a dragon breathing down your neck. The rocks were dry and conveniently jagged and before long, Tim was at the top with an arrow ready to nock. "I'm up. You need me to cover your retreat now?"

Raylan didn't go for the crystal to answer, just turned and ran as fast as he could. He'd gone through a little tunnel to get down into that valley, and while the dragonlings tossed a few fireballs at him, none seemed interested in following him very far. It only took a minute before he was out of range. He could hear the mother's wings beating, but he wasn't overly concerned about it now.

He kept walking all the same, but picked up the crystal, craning his neck and squinting up at the edge of the cliff above him. "You good?"

"Just fantastic, I love getting cornered by dragons. All my fantasies have come true." He'd seen Raylan's scrawny mage legs carrying him out of danger, so he was happy to start walking back to civilization, moving from the cliff's edge to the cover of the trees. "I need a drink. Meet me wherever and I'll buy you one too."

"See you at Redcliffe village in two hours." It would take them about that long to walk there. Raylan figured he'd done his duty to the Inquisition for the day.

TEST DRIVE MEME!

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