allthisshitisweird | Test Drive!

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Test Drive!

TEST DRIVE MEME

While in some alternate, tidier timeline, the War against the Elder One ended years ago, you're not in that timeline. It's 9:49, and the war continues. An enemy force partially occupies Orlais and has decimated several Marcher Cities, while the Chantry, aided by the Inquisition, has marshaled Orlais and the faithful of Southern Thedas into a new Exalted March against the army of demon-bound Wardens, Red Templars, Venatori loyalists, and darkspawn Corypheus has amassed. Rifts are still scattered across the continent, periodically spitting out strangers from strange worlds with green-glowing anchors embedded in their hands. There's no Herald of Andraste to save Thedas. Someone else is going to have to do it.

You're part of (or allied with, recently hired by, imprisoned by, etc.) an organization, dubbed Riftwatch, that split off from the Inquisition several years ago. Riftwatch consists of these otherworldly new arrivals, rebels and Wardens, and other people who want to prevent the apocalypse without necessarily marching under the Chantry's banner to do it. Their headquarters is an island fortress called the Gallows—formerly a Circle of Magi, more formerly a prison for slaves, but its new occupants have done a good job removing the more grotesque reminders of that past and making the place livable. Their goal is to do what the Chantry can't or won't do, to go more directly after Corypheus and the dark magic he employs, and to keep the Veil from coming apart entirely.

Maybe you're here because you want to help. Maybe you need the money (though there isn't much of it). Maybe you acquired an anchor and sticking around is the only way to prevent your hand from killing you. Maybe you've been sent by the Chantry or some other entity to keep an eye on everyone—they're rumored to be a lot of weirdos and troublemakers. Or maybe you're a new rifter and just going where the nice people with swords tell you that you need to go.

NOTE: This is a static test drive! We post them once per year or so and continue to use them for a long time, so you're never late. Current players are encouraged to track new top-level comments.

I. THE FREE MARCHES: Hasmal, Tantervale, and most recently Starkhaven have all fallen to the Tevinter incursion, leaving Kirkwall the largest city-state in the Free Marches to remain unoccupied. For Riftwatch, that means the war is closer to home than ever, and traveling anywhere north of the mountains runs the risk of running into enemy scouting parties. Perhaps you've been sent out to find these scouts before they find the unwary, or perhaps you're just trying to pass through unnoticed to Antiva or Rivain when you run into trouble. Or maybe you're more in the thick of it: joining the Free Marches armies in harassing the occupying army as best they can from outside the city, or slipping your way into one of them to gather intelligence or meet with an ally.

II. THE WAKING SEA: When Riftwatch isn't traveling by griffon or magic mirror, it frequently travels by sea, courtesy of a small assortment of allied pirate ships. So welcome aboard. The sea is choppy and frequently violent—violent storms, violent enemy ships, or both at once—and the crew may not have much patience for incompetence, so either make yourself useful above or try not to get sick below.

III. KIRKWALL: Even when enormous evil darkspawn are trying to take over the known world and you and your colleagues might be the only ones who can truly stop him, you can't work all the time. And when you aren't working, Kirkwall is there for you with its dingy Lowtown taverns, its flashy Hightown establishments, its market stalls and street musicians and cellars hosting gamblers. (Or maybe you can work all the time, and you're in the city to do some official shopping, try to spy on a suspicious character, or show a potential financial backer a good time.)

IV. SEND A MESSAGE: Each member of Riftwatch is assigned a blue crystal, small enough to wear around the neck, that can transmit voice messages, as well as an enchanted book tied to that crystal that can be used to exchange written messages. They're secure enough to discuss the war, if you'd like to get down to business, but loosely controlled enough to ask a question or play a game with only a few rolled eyes from people who hate fun.

V. WILDCARD: From the Gallows' library to the pirate islands off the coast, from Hightown's high-priced market stalls to the bloody frontlines of the war, Thedas is yours to explore.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ It's great that Karlach is being loud, because so is Clarisse.

Look, she's wearing combat boots and she's not into stealth. It's fine for other people, she can admit it has its practical uses, but for her personally it just feels like cowardice. And she's bad at it. And she probably should not have been picked for this mission, but everyone makes mistakes.

Anyway, she figures that even if the Murderous Vint gets a head start running away from her, she'll only end up bumping into someone else from Riftwatch, sooner or later, because whoever sent her out here wasn't completely blind to Clarisse's... essential Clarisse-ness; there are others out there looking, too.

Besides, she has great endurance. This could just as easily turn into a wolf going after an elk situation. Persistence hunting.

Once she has Karlach in her sight, there is really no point in trying to sneak up on her. Even somewhat nerfed as she is here, Clarisse is still faster than any normal person. She's just gonna sprint for it and let her spear do the rest. ]

[Most of the people after her have been Vints. Some red templars. A mage or two. A group of young adventurers she'd terrified the smallclothes off of when she'd burned through their net.

A net. Really.

So when the young woman comes sprinting at her up the path, wearing colors Karlach doesn't recognize, it's such an obvious trap that Karlach stops dead, standing her ground, eyes flickering to the wilderness, the boulders, the cliff faces- this has to be a distraction for the real shot they're about to take.

Belatedly, it his her: no, this woman is much, much faster than she has any right to be.

Karlach holds herself loose, fluid, ready, and when the spear comes for her she dodges to one side, reaching up to grasp the haft of it, preparing to yank her off her feet and throw her into the bushes behind her.

One miscalculation, though.

The spear's got lightning in it.

It jolts through her, cracking her back teeth together, and Karlach screams once, short and choppy before she follows through. The throw's bad, but it knocks the both of them off balance, stumbling on the trail.]

Andraste's holy knickers, that one hurt.

[She sounds impressed.]

[ Man, she loves it when that happens. That widening of eyes as whoever she just hit realizes, oh. The spear is electric. And then the scream, or the clenched-teeth groan. Always gets her blood pumping, not that it wasn't already.

Karlach is pretty evenly matched for her in terms of size and strength, though. In height, she's got a good foot on Clarisse, which is fucking impressive. And she gets a grip on the spear haft even despite the shock and manages to send the both of them stumbling for balance. ]

Yeah, you like that? Get ready for another taste. [ She's taunting Karlach even as she regains her balance.

Clarisse keeps on the other woman, pushing forward because that's how you win, you get the other person on their back foot and you don't let up, except that stupid tug on her spear means she's even closer than she wants to be. When the spear is five feet long and you're two feet from your enemy... well.

She goes for the knife at her belt. That's plan B. ]

[The both of them square up, and Karlach can tell she's lost ground. She's revealed how fast she is, and a spear absolutely lets Clarisse control the battlefield. Karlach has a hell of a reach compared to most people, but even that isn't enough to compensate for a polearm. If she uses her axe -- metal -- it'll just let the woman electrocute her at range.

The taunt doesn't go amiss either. A broad grin splits over Karlach's face, riding the adrenaline, and the scorching of the lyrium rolls over her body.

The next time Clarisse comes for her, Karlach is ready for the pain. She lets Clarisse thrust the point at her, catching the shaft in her fist, bearing down. The electricity jumps through her, setting all that lyrium alight, bursting through her veins with pain. But Karlach is used to pain.

Karlach pulls Clarisse in close with her grip on the spear, reaching out with her other hand to grapple her, go for the front of her armor.

Unfortunately, she's. Got a backup knife.

Karlach jerks back as the blade cuts across her cheek. It's fast, viper-like. It would've easily taken one of her eyes.]

Ow-! Damn it!

[One thing at a time. Karlach gives a mighty yank that'll force Clarisse to let go of the spear or break her fingers, and hurls it into the grass nearby.]

Not even an acquired taste, I'm afraid. Now, if you'll listen-

[Unfortunately, Karlach is very unprepared for how unwilling Clarisse is to listen.]

Edited 2023-11-02 22:41 (UTC)

[ Always bring a backup knife, bitch. ]

Listen to you? [ 'Cause Clarisse listens to very, very few people, and she's not eager to make a murderer from across enemy lines one of them.

She's lost her spear, but no matter. She has the knife, still, and even though the woman she's fighting has a fucking axe, it's not enough to make Clarisse seriously concerned about the situation yet. She's still got the upper ground here. She drew first blood, and second, and third. She could do this all day. She could—

She goes in again with the knife, and her hand touches skin that feels like it's on fire. The suddenness of it takes her by surprise and she has an abrupt and karmic realization of what it must have been like for the other woman to grab her spear a minute ago. She jolts back with a yell of pain, nearly loses her grip on the knife, and stares at the large red welt already rising on the back of her hand. ]

Yes! Please. If you'd just hear me out-

[Karlach puts her hands up, nothing in them, trying to talk her down, but Clarisse comes at her with the knife again. On instinctive reaction, Karlach blocks with her forearm, diverting the blade by landing a blow against the back of Clarisse's hand- which of course burns her.

Karlach mutters another curse to herself. She's spent this encounter trying not to hurt her, but it's becoming more and more obvious that she'll have to.

Well, shit.

So she surges forward in the split-second afforded to her by Clarisse's shock, grips the front of her leather armor, lefts her bodily up -- and suplexes her directly into the ground.

She comes with her, too -- wraps her hand around the leather bracers protecting her knife-hand forearm and pins her to the ground, a knee across her other shoulder.

The blood from the cut on her face drips down like a molten raindrop, blessedly misses Clarisse's cheek, and sizzles in the dirt next to her.]

Easy, soldier. I don't want to hurt you, but you're making it bloody fucking difficult.

[ It all happens almost too fast to register. One second Clarisse is upright, and the next she's on her back in the dirt with the wind knocked out of her and the other woman pinning her down.

So Clarisse isn't the only one who's fast, then. Fuck.

Still trying to catch her breath, she flexes her knife arm, testing Karlach's grip. She doesn't try to break out of the hold yet, though. She doesn't have a lot of patience, but she's not stupid. She'll get her energy back and wait for an opening.

She can feel the heat coming off the woman through her armor. If she wanted to, she could probably kill Clarisse just by bear hugging her. It's a disconcerting thought. She doesn't seem to be trying to hurt her, though. She keeps trying to talk to her.

Easy, soldier. It's clearly meant to calm her, but aside from a glint of recognition in Clarisse's eyes she doesn't give in for a second. That's how people get dead. ]

Get up and face me like a man, [ she bites out through gritted teeth. ]

Do I look like-

[You know what, don't answer that. Karlach bears down on Clarisse's arm when she tests her strength, showing her. If Karlach wanted her dead, she would be.]

Listen. I'm not what you think. I'm not a Venatori.

[Karlach's expression breaks, pained laughter bursting out of her, because really. Of all the things they could've said.]

I was a magister's slave. I ran the first chance I fucking got.

[ Hm, well, the only reason she has to believe that is that she isn't dead yet, but Clarisse still isn't convinced. She looks up at Karlach, sizing her up. She's very strong, sure, she can feel it just from the way Karlach presses her arm down when she flexes. But Clarisse isn't counting herself out yet. ]

Then somebody is going to an awful lot of trouble to get their slave back, [ she says finally, skeptical.

It's not like she hasn't personally met people (well, immortals mostly) self-important enough to do all this just because they feel slighted, but it's still a lot of effort. There are like three different factions all gunning for this woman. ]

[Karlach laughs again, a deep bark of rough anger, though she doesn't pull back. With the hand that isn't holding down Clarisse's knife arm, she reaches up to bang on her chest with a fist. Though there's no ring of anything metallic, her chest glows brighter. Hotter. It sounds sharp. The flare of it backlights her ribs, shines in her eyes to give them an unnatural glow.]

Lyrium device for a heart. Courtesy of Zariel.

She can't stand the thought of anything squirming out from under her thumb, but this is what she wants. Her little experiment.

[ Clarisse swallows, her gaze moving from the woman's oddly lit up chest and then back to her face.

This is quickly turning into a situation she's not sure she wants to be a part of. Though she's loathe to walk away from a fight like this, it does seem likely that Karlach is being honest with her. And she's not going to murder a runaway slave with a fucked up lyrium device for a heart when it turns out they haven't actually done anything wrong. ]

Walk away, then. I'll give you a five minute head start. Pretend I never saw you.

[If Clarisse had any doubt about Karlach's honesty, the grateful relief that lights up her face and eyes should remove all doubt. It's the look of someone who hadn't expected to be believed, but truly needed someone, anyone, to see that she was telling the truth.]

Thank you. Knew you were a good egg.

[She unlatches her grip from Clarisse's forearm, backing off to stand. Makes a motion with her hand, thinks better of it.]

I'd offer to help you up, but I don't want to melt your fingers together. Before I go- where in Kirkwall can I find Riftwatch?

[ Clarisse is getting back to her feet, sliding her knife back into her belt and brushing dirt and grass off her butt, when Karlach asks that question. She freezes in place, trying to think of what to say.

She's never been a good liar. She tries, but... man, it's impossible for her to turn off the part of her that gives herself away. If a facial expression could scream 'I know exactly where Riftwatch is because I am a Riftwatch', hers is screaming it. ]

... Why do you need to know that?

'Cause they're a real significant hair up the Venatori's collective arse, and I'd love to give it a good yank.

So I'm joining. Assuming they'll have me. And-

[Also.

Karlach reaches up and gestures at the glow in her chest.]

Heard you've got some real smart folks over there. Maybe they can find their way to doing something about this.

[ Clarisse sounds a little doubtful when she says, ] Maybe.

[ Then again, Research is looking into all sorts of things that she doesn't understand and doesn't really want to. So maybe this woman is right and she can get her... problem dealt with back at the Gallows. ]

But it's not like they won't let you join up, if that's what you really want. [ She scratches at her temple and admits, ] We can use all the help we can get, to be honest. As long as you're not going to get us ambushed or something.

[ Again. ]

[Despite Clarisse's answer, Karlach looks heartened by the reply. It's a way forward, and a path means she won't be forced to claw one out herself.]

Fair. There is at least one bounty on my head. Zariel's doing, no doubt.

[A slight hesitation, and Karlach rests on her back foot, narrowing one eye at Clarisse and tipping her head.]

Assuming of course that. That's why you attacked me. Because sometimes it's just the horns.

[ Clarisse looks offended by the implication that she might be, like, racist against people with horns. Excuse you, her godson has them too. And they make him ten times cuter, for the record. ]

You have a bounty on you because you're a murderer. That's what we were told.

[ She heaves a heavy sigh, because this was going to be a very cut and dry mission and now it's weirdly complicated. It's fine. It'll... probably be fine. ]

We'll just bring you back and you can explain yourself to the bosses.

[Karlach's heartened by the reaction. Anger instead of squirmy guilt is a good enough answer for her any day. Unfortunately, the average Marcher isn't as open minded as Clarisse is. And they'll see more of it when they get to Kirkwall.]

Well -- splitting hairs, that.

[But as they start, Karlach's face softens down to something heartfelt.]

Thank you. I won't forget this, you know.

[ Noooo don't acknowledge that she's being a good person!!! So uncomfortable. ]

It's nothing.

[ For a second Clarisse starts to extend a hand, but then she remembers the imminent third degree burns and awkwardly drops it back to her side. ] Clarisse La Rue. Forces.

[Ohhhh, the prickly type. Karlach follows that awkward attempt with a real grin.]

Karlach Cliffgate. And assuming all goes well, also Forces.

Think you could introduce me? Get the feeling that if I pop in alone, I could catch an arrow or two before I have the breath to explain myself.

Um, yeah, I think that's for the best. We all studied a woodcutting with your face on it. It was pretty accurate.

[ And it's not like Karlach is easily mistaken for just anyone on the street.

Hold on, before they get going, Clarisse has to collect her spear from wherever Karlach threw it off the trail. Once she grabs it, they can leave. ]

Edited 2023-11-07 16:19 (UTC)

[Karlach laughs again, loud and cathartic, and it sounds like a way to release pressure more than anything.]

If Zariel's gone to that much trouble, she's working herself up to a fit. Mummy Dearest never did like losing.

[Though Karlach eyes the spear appreciatively, a respectful nod. Her palm and shoulder are still smarting.]

Sheer beauty, right there. Does she have a name?

Maimer.

[ Clarisse gives it a little spin as she makes her way back to Karlach and slides the spear into place against her back. She'd normally take any opportunity to talk about her weapon of choice, but, uh. ]

Zariel is your mom? [ That's confusing. ]

Lovely.

[Karlach would also much rather talk about Clarisse's weapon, but uh-]

Eurgh, Maker, no. It's just the way she acts, as though we should be grateful for her care.

[Karlach practically spits out the last word. Her eyes glow, the lyrium flames whispering along her skin. Even at several paces back, she's hot as a bonfire.]

[ Clarisse feels that heat pressing up against her. It's like standing near an open flame, uncomfortable bordering on painful, and she's not even that close.

She wonders if it hurts, to have flames erupt from inside you. Figures the answer is probably yes. Then again, when her father had blessed her, she'd had flames and they hadn't exactly hurt. Not that she remembers, anyway. ]

Right. Got it. [ It's clearly a sore subject, so she isn't going to keep digging. ]

You can pretty much do whatever you want in Riftwatch, when you're not on duty. Go into the city or the mountains, if you feel like it. I do sometimes. [ This is so awkward. She feels so awkward. This is exactly the reason she used to shove kids' heads into toilets instead of give them the camp tour. ]

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