TEST DRIVE MEME!

[faderifting]

I ROLL TO SEDUCE THE BEAR

Tucked between the massive Lake Calenhad and the icy Frostback Mountains in Ferelden’s chilly, hilly south, the Hinterlands are a region covered in patchy forests, small farms, and a bustling fishing village called Redcliffe. The region was recently the frontline of a war between mages and Templars, but the Inquisition’s military presence has restored order and is now focused on helping the locals and influx of refugees rebuild their lives. Whether you’re a recent recruit or a hardened veteran, a Fereldan local or someone who recently fell out of a rift from another world, you may be asked to go lend a hand.

I. FLOODS

A burst of unseasonably warm weather (in no way inspired by real life events) is initially greeted with relief, gloves discarded and scarves unwrapped—but followed within the week by severe flooding across the region. Maybe you’re sent out to help debris from a road or collect the bodies of those swept away. Or maybe you’re less lucky and instead there when the waters come, shepherding refugees to higher ground, or caught riding in the flow on a dislodged roof or log. Maybe there’s a bear on the roof with you.

II. TREASURE HUNTS

Given the lack of banks and lockboxes, when the people here have something they value, they often hide it—under the ground, in a tree, behind a waterfall. So here you are, with a sketch of some landmarks found on a body, trying to find… something. If you find it, it might be useful: weapons, runes, a stash of supplies. Or it might be someone’s box of racy letters and a request to deliver them to a now-married woman who will slap you on delivery.

III. BEARS

You have turned the wrong corner, forded the wrong stream, crested the wrong hill, entered the wrong cave. Maybe you are far from camp. Maybe you are in camp. Whatever has happened, wherever you are: you are being chased by bears. Did you provoke the bears? Are they huge? Babies? Fade-touched? Mage-controlled? What are they chasing you away from? What are they chasing you into? What do you plan to make out of their hide if you kill them? What do you think they'll craft out of your hide if they kill you?

IV. CRYSTALS

Members and trusted agents of the Inquisition are given access to one of the Inquisition's stores of ancient, mysterious sending crystals, allowing them to communicate instantaneously by voice. It's magic. And a magical excuse to ask everyone what their favorite constellation is in the middle of the night.

Or to call for help because you've been treed by bears.

Either way.

V. MISCELLANEOUS

Choose your own adventure! Hunt game, kill demons, gather herbs, track bandits, haggle over the price of armor, fall off a deceptively tall rock, get lost circling the same hill ten times trying to find a way up to the weird glowing skull on a stick you can see is up there, climb trees or abandoned towers, rummage around in empty homes, run from a dragon, cry over how cute that fennec fox you just shot was, set up camp and chat around the fire, knock yourself out (figuratively, or even literally if that's more your speed)—the Hinterlands are your Frostback Mountain oyster.

Comments

Oghren | Dragon Age

[wardeneructate]

II. Treasure Hunts

One could say that Oghren was the one who had decided to go on this treasure hunt or one could just say that he'd been told he was getting booze out of it. Either way most of the location finding was left to you because he was more of the swinging his weapon at things type. (Yes, this was referring to his axe even if he could tell you his other 'weapon' was very impressive.)

Still, partway through the journey it would be easy to see a stupid grin on his face and sometimes a childish chuckling could be heard. Prompted or not, he finally looked over.

"Imagine if the treasure was some lady's knickers." Yep. That was what he'd been thinking about this whole time. What if the treasure happened to be lady's underwear. Why did you decide to go on this venture with him again?

III. Bears

Now this was something more his style. Hitting things with his axe always got his heart pounding and he had that thing off his back the moment he saw the big creature heading his way. Honestly he wasn't entirely sure how he'd gotten over here but he was pretty sure it had something to do with booze and bets. Yeah, that seemed the likely culprit.

"I was gettin' a craving for some roasted bear on a spit. Come here and taste my axe and then we'll see how much meat you got on you." He gave a little laugh as he swayed a bit, axe at the ready. "Some good bear goes good with some piss ale. Makes the tough meat almost juicy. Heh."

Apparently he'd decided he was going to take on this thing himself, unaware of the fact that others might be nearby. Uhhhh...guess you could help!

Misc.

At Skyhold, the drunk Dwarf could usually be found and the Warden camp or the tavern. Either way he was sure to be telling tall tales just to get people stirred up. That or he'd be the one instigating the drinking games. And winning. Already several had called for mercy while he gave a cry that they could come back to face him again after they learned to bleed ale. Care to listen or take his challenge? Beware of either.

[gatheringstorm]

At the tavern, there's one tall and horned lady that's the queen of most drinking contests. Given how she's built, it's easy to see that most don't stand a chance against her unless they're fellow qunari. Nonetheless, she'll take up any challengers, and she looks over the dwarf with a grin.

"Ever had maraas-lok? If we're going to have a real contest, ale doesn't cut it. Most people can't last one drink." Is Oghren most people? Time to find out.

[wardeneructate]

His eye just go wide at the mention of this brew. Not because he hadn't heard of it but because getting his hands on that qunari brew wasn't easy! It wasn't like they were the shariest of people. Must be something to do with that Qun of theirs. Still, he had to take a moment to pause.

"You're probably the friendliest horned girl I've seen. Was getting the impression the qunari were all just stuffed nugs." Then he grinned at her. "Pour it out. Let's have it. There ain't no booze Oghren can't handle!"

[gatheringstorm]

That gets her to laugh, as she gestures to Cabot to bring some over. "We'll see about that! And I may have horns, but I'm not a Qun-loving weirdo with a stick up my ass. 'Real' Qunari would never call me one of theirs and good riddance. They're all freedom-hating assholes, anyway."

She smirks as the tankards arrive. "The taste is....well, who gives a shit, you don't drink it for taste. But it's strong enough to destroy insides if you're not tough enough."

[wardeneructate]

"Ha! I'd like to see you say that to the hornless one I traveled with. Don't think that face knows what fun even is." And now he was appreciating this woman in a new light. Attractive, ready to toss back the real stuff. Yep, woman after his own heart.

He looked into the tankard like a giddy child. "Heh. My insides are niiicely fermented. It's all piss ale in there and then some."

Destroy his insides? Nah, he'd done that ages ago. "Bottoms up!"

Not even waiting, he went to just chug the entire thing down.

[gatheringstorm]

"Feh, hornless. They're told they're special, but I think they just say that to make them feel better about not having these."

Gesturing to her horns, Korrin picks up her tankard, though she watches Oghren carefully even as she downs her own. Drinking maraas-lok is one thing, but whether he can keep it down is another. Most people don't even make it halfway before they start gagging, but his enthusiasm is noted and respected.

[wardeneructate]

The tankard was empty when he was done and there was a long moment before he just let out a long belch. This was followed by a laughing cry from him as he led it up. "Takes like the piss of my ancestors! This the best you can do? I've downed worse just to become a Warden!"

And he could say he was one of those that didn't pass out from it and just let out a burp while staying on his feet. He was made of tougher stuff than this booze here. "And I don't know anything about horns or hornless. You all look the same to me. Giants with some muscles on yeh." He gave something of a chuckle as he nodded her way. "Anyone ever gripped those horn of yours as they...you know..."

III

[justice_is_blond]

All he'd been doing was gathering herbs. All. And yet, again, there was a bloody stupid bear and WHY was it always bears? Anders gathers himself mentally, trying to decide if he was running or going to turn this thing to ash... and hears that voice on the other side of two trees.

It's impossible, hearing him, but at the same time if anyone could survive out on his own in the middle of chaos, it's this Dwarf.

"Yes, please kill it," he says after a moment. There's no nervousness there like he usually feels when reuniting with someone - Oghren isn't going to judge him. "I'll keep you alive, like old times."

[wardeneructate]

Well there was a blast from the past. Oghren was pretty sure he'd never see that mage pretty boy ever again. What with him up and disappearing. And something about blowing something up? Honestly he wasn't sure if that was rumor or just something he dreamed up when he was so shit faced he'd just fallen over to sleep under a table. Never could be sure, right?

"You'd better. Better than you using those sparkle fingers to steal all the ladies again."

They had a weird relationship but he liked the mage. In his own way anyway. Okay so he liked the mage and didn't like the cat. But could anyone blame him when the cat kept stealing all the attention of the female population?

Whoops that was a bear paw swinging at him. Rolling out of the way, he gave a mighty swing of his axe which lodged it right into the shoulder of it. "My axe cuts up more than darkspawn, you roast!"

[justice_is_blond]

Anders snorts, feeling the day get much better even with a bear right there. Oghren's alive, and everything is as it was. He shifts to be behind the Dwarf, flinging up a barrier for the both of them before helping make Oghren's taunt a little more literal with a fireball aimed at the animal.

"You've no worries about me stealing the ladies anymore. Not like I think that's going to help you." He's smiling as he says it. He's out in the sun and feeling something like he used to back in the old days of Wardening - like things are simple and he's not constantly walking a tightrope over a pit of spikes. "Go on, ask me why."

The bear howls in pain due to fire and axe, and it is, for once, an entirely secondary matter.

[wardeneructate]

"If you got another cat to piss on my things I'll use it to wipe my ass." It took some force to get the axe free but when he had it back, he was swinging again, taking advantage of the fire to bury it in the side of the large animal next. Well, he'd been aiming for the head but he supposed this one worked. Sure made for a pissed off bear which meant more of a challenge.

Around another roar, he laughed as he pulled his axe free again for another swing. The hacking was brutal sure but the thing was stubborn! A bear after his own heart really.

[justice_is_blond]

"You're not touching my cat. She'll bite your hand off, and then get alcohol poisoning, and that's a pain in the ass to cure."

It's nice to not have to do much of the work. Oghren is a force to be reckoned with, and Anders can relax a little even as he keeps the Dwarf intact. The bear is not in as good a position. Even though it's probably sober.

"Besides, how would another cat help you? You're not guessing very well today. Maybe you're getting old."

This time it's a glyph of paralysis he hits the bear with, catching it in place. There's no point in the bear dying of alcohol poisoning either if it manages a lucky bite.

[wardeneructate]

"I don't know! Why are you asking me all these questions when I'm fighting my dinner?"

Magic was a strange and dangerous thing that he didn't always trust but hey at least Anders knew how to use it. And he wasn't about to complain about dinner being paralyzed while he lopped its head off. That seemed a perfectly fine thing to him and meant cooking would happen sooner rather than later. At least his spit roasts weren't hell on the digestive system like Felsi's cooking!

Planting his axe nearby, he looked the mage up and down. He sure looked happy. Not drunk happy though so it was a mystery as to what was going through that head of his. "I'll show you how old I am when I toss you off a cliff, sparkle fingers. Now spill it. What's got your knickers dancing?"

II

[raas]

"Figure we'd just look down your greaves for that one."

And there's no way, no way in this world or any other that Tovi's getting paid enough for that. Still, he grins over. Too many stiffs in this grand shebang. Oghren's a welcome break.

As is the axe. He intends to stand far behind it if any action gets started. Tovi's here because he's good with navigating, and because someone's made the not-so-subtle suggestion that he get his ass out of the inn before it's handed back to him. People are so touchy.

"The fuck'd you get this map from, anyway? Looks like it was written by a drunk twelve-year old."

[wardeneructate]

"Unless you're somehow a woman under those clothes you're not looking under any of this. That's for the ladies."

He laughed a bit to himself then let out one of the loudest belches known to mankind. Even he was impressed with it, a little distracted from answering the question.

"Huh? Oh heh. Well part of that's true. Got him so piss faced that he couldn't stand up. 's what he gets for challenging ol' Oghren to a drinking contest!" He laughed loudly then jabbed his thumb in the direction of the map. "Maybe you should get yourself good and drunk. Then you'll read it better!"

Logic. Right?

[raas]

"Nah, man. Shit's terrible for your health." Tovi turns it upside-down, squints between paper, path, path, paper. "Think it says we're going in that,"

He points a pinky at the burnt-out farmhouse cresting a far hill. Lightning flashes dramatically behind it. The wind picks up slightly. Vaguely ominous music dances through the back of his mind. These are all absolutely, positively good omens for what lies ahead, but you'll have to forgive him if he's having second thoughts.

And third. Maybe fourth. Smells like something died out here — but that may just be Oghren's impressive diaphragm at work.

"Then we've got to dig."

[wardeneructate]

"Can't remember what's terrible for your health if you're drunk," he pointed out with a chuckle that said he used alcohol for...a lot of stuff really. He was a drunk so any reason to have more was really good enough for him.

"Dig? That some comment on me being a Dwarf? I was warrior caste, you know. I didn't do any of the digging."

He gave him a look that just dared him to say that was what he really meant. Because if he had then he was quite tall enough to take out those knee caps, yes he was.

Jumping to conclusions achievement obtained.

[raas]

Tovias likes his kneecaps. They're both very dear old friends.

"Fine, fine." A dismissive gesture with the map. "We both go up in that deathtrap, and then I'll dig."

"You can warrior caste the exits so we ain't murdered by whatever's been living in this shitheap."

Ghosts? Bandits? Ghost bandits? Rabid, Ferelden hick cannibals, who are also bandits and ghosts? At any rate, it's Oghren's problem.

[wardeneructate]

"Now you're talking my language."

Pulling his axe off his back, he gave it a good heft then chuckled a bit. It was like he was sharing a moment with a good friend rather than a dangerous hunk of metal.

"Don't let those flimsy arms of your slow you down though. Been starting to think a nug could snap those things."

II

[meds4sale]

One day in the Medicine Seller's future, there were going to be vending machines that sold ladies' used undergarments. On that day, he would look back on this and laugh.

Even then, Oghren had just laid some prime material at his feet.

"Hopefully they will be unsoiled," he mused, thinking that would be the only reason someone might bury undergarments out in the woods.

He checked the map again. Maybe the true treasure would be messing with the dwarf all along.

"However, if that is what you are so keen on, we could have gotten you some at the crossroads."

Not that the Medicine Seller was one to judge, given his own attire.

[wardeneructate]

"Huh? What would I do with...?" There was a pause as the teasing caught up with him. Then he was barking a laugh.

"I'd think you'd be the one with that sort of want. What with that stuff on your face and the foofy way you dress. That some sort of new thing in Orlais now? They always were a bit weird. Think they might not be getting enough air with how tight they string themselves up." Ridiculous. Not practical at all. Not unless those big skirts were good for storing people like him under them.

Oh wait. Maybe he liked the idea of those women in those skirts now actually...

Back to the point. "Wait. You an Elf? I thought they just flitted about in outfits that represented their people or something."

[meds4sale]

"One can never be sure what another wears under their clothes," he said with a shrug. No judgments if that's what you're into Oghren. Everyone's entitled to lacy underthings.

"I am... a medicine seller."

He adjusted the map in his hands and squinted at it.

"...And we are going the wrong way."

[wardeneructate]

"Medicine? Yeah? So you'd have stuff for something green and pussy? All oozy and maybe smelly?"

He was not going to confirm whether or not he had said affliction just yet. Might as well make sure he had the proper stuff before going about saying he had the oozy bits that needed it.

Wait what?

"What sort of elf gets lost in the wilds? Don't your people get along with nature that you just sleep in trees or something?" Okay that fact he was probably just making up now. But it had to do with nature so obviously it was elvish.

[meds4sale]

"Several things."

Oh, this was going to be entertaining. Sometimes the Medicine Seller wished he were the gambling sort that he could take wagers on what had gone gangrenous.

"Though if it's gone green, we may have to amputate. Shall I prepare an anesthetic?"

He turned the map the other way, artfully dodging questions about elves by simply electing to ignore them. Instead he tried deciphering the crudely drawn land marks. Was that a river, a road, or a very odd crease?

[wardeneructate]

The dwarf's face paled and he quickly seemed to find a direction that put distance between him and this weird elf to be very favorable. They were still walking together, of course, but suddenly there were several feet between them. Like the elf was just going to suddenly jump him and try chopping things off.

"If you try chopping bits off I'm gonna have to introduce your face to my axe. You just stay on over there, elf."

Well, he wouldn't be going to him for herbs. That was for sure.

"By the tits of my ancestors. Amputate he says. You'd think we were talking about having breakfast," he grumbled, mostly to himself.