allthisshitisweird | TEST DRIVE MEME!

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TEST DRIVE MEME!

I ROLL TO SEDUCE THE BEAR

Tucked between the massive Lake Calenhad and the icy Frostback Mountains in Ferelden’s chilly, hilly south, the Hinterlands are a region covered in patchy forests, small farms, and a bustling fishing village called Redcliffe. The region was recently the frontline of a war between mages and Templars, but the Inquisition’s military presence has restored order and is now focused on helping the locals and influx of refugees rebuild their lives. Whether you’re a recent recruit or a hardened veteran, a Fereldan local or someone who recently fell out of a rift from another world, you may be asked to go lend a hand.

I. FLOODS

A burst of unseasonably warm weather (in no way inspired by real life events) is initially greeted with relief, gloves discarded and scarves unwrapped—but followed within the week by severe flooding across the region. Maybe you’re sent out to help debris from a road or collect the bodies of those swept away. Or maybe you’re less lucky and instead there when the waters come, shepherding refugees to higher ground, or caught riding in the flow on a dislodged roof or log. Maybe there’s a bear on the roof with you.

II. TREASURE HUNTS

Given the lack of banks and lockboxes, when the people here have something they value, they often hide it—under the ground, in a tree, behind a waterfall. So here you are, with a sketch of some landmarks found on a body, trying to find… something. If you find it, it might be useful: weapons, runes, a stash of supplies. Or it might be someone’s box of racy letters and a request to deliver them to a now-married woman who will slap you on delivery.

III. BEARS

You have turned the wrong corner, forded the wrong stream, crested the wrong hill, entered the wrong cave. Maybe you are far from camp. Maybe you are in camp. Whatever has happened, wherever you are: you are being chased by bears. Did you provoke the bears? Are they huge? Babies? Fade-touched? Mage-controlled? What are they chasing you away from? What are they chasing you into? What do you plan to make out of their hide if you kill them? What do you think they'll craft out of your hide if they kill you?

IV. CRYSTALS

Members and trusted agents of the Inquisition are given access to one of the Inquisition's stores of ancient, mysterious sending crystals, allowing them to communicate instantaneously by voice. It's magic. And a magical excuse to ask everyone what their favorite constellation is in the middle of the night.

Or to call for help because you've been treed by bears.

Either way.

V. MISCELLANEOUS

Choose your own adventure! Hunt game, kill demons, gather herbs, track bandits, haggle over the price of armor, fall off a deceptively tall rock, get lost circling the same hill ten times trying to find a way up to the weird glowing skull on a stick you can see is up there, climb trees or abandoned towers, rummage around in empty homes, run from a dragon, cry over how cute that fennec fox you just shot was, set up camp and chat around the fire, knock yourself out (figuratively, or even literally if that's more your speed)—the Hinterlands are your Frostback Mountain oyster.

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All he'd been doing was gathering herbs. All. And yet, again, there was a bloody stupid bear and WHY was it always bears? Anders gathers himself mentally, trying to decide if he was running or going to turn this thing to ash... and hears that voice on the other side of two trees.

It's impossible, hearing him, but at the same time if anyone could survive out on his own in the middle of chaos, it's this Dwarf.

"Yes, please kill it," he says after a moment. There's no nervousness there like he usually feels when reuniting with someone - Oghren isn't going to judge him. "I'll keep you alive, like old times."

Well there was a blast from the past. Oghren was pretty sure he'd never see that mage pretty boy ever again. What with him up and disappearing. And something about blowing something up? Honestly he wasn't sure if that was rumor or just something he dreamed up when he was so shit faced he'd just fallen over to sleep under a table. Never could be sure, right?

"You'd better. Better than you using those sparkle fingers to steal all the ladies again."

They had a weird relationship but he liked the mage. In his own way anyway. Okay so he liked the mage and didn't like the cat. But could anyone blame him when the cat kept stealing all the attention of the female population?

Whoops that was a bear paw swinging at him. Rolling out of the way, he gave a mighty swing of his axe which lodged it right into the shoulder of it. "My axe cuts up more than darkspawn, you roast!"

Anders snorts, feeling the day get much better even with a bear right there. Oghren's alive, and everything is as it was. He shifts to be behind the Dwarf, flinging up a barrier for the both of them before helping make Oghren's taunt a little more literal with a fireball aimed at the animal.

"You've no worries about me stealing the ladies anymore. Not like I think that's going to help you." He's smiling as he says it. He's out in the sun and feeling something like he used to back in the old days of Wardening - like things are simple and he's not constantly walking a tightrope over a pit of spikes. "Go on, ask me why."

The bear howls in pain due to fire and axe, and it is, for once, an entirely secondary matter.

"If you got another cat to piss on my things I'll use it to wipe my ass." It took some force to get the axe free but when he had it back, he was swinging again, taking advantage of the fire to bury it in the side of the large animal next. Well, he'd been aiming for the head but he supposed this one worked. Sure made for a pissed off bear which meant more of a challenge.

Around another roar, he laughed as he pulled his axe free again for another swing. The hacking was brutal sure but the thing was stubborn! A bear after his own heart really.

"You're not touching my cat. She'll bite your hand off, and then get alcohol poisoning, and that's a pain in the ass to cure."

It's nice to not have to do much of the work. Oghren is a force to be reckoned with, and Anders can relax a little even as he keeps the Dwarf intact. The bear is not in as good a position. Even though it's probably sober.

"Besides, how would another cat help you? You're not guessing very well today. Maybe you're getting old."

This time it's a glyph of paralysis he hits the bear with, catching it in place. There's no point in the bear dying of alcohol poisoning either if it manages a lucky bite.

"I don't know! Why are you asking me all these questions when I'm fighting my dinner?"

Magic was a strange and dangerous thing that he didn't always trust but hey at least Anders knew how to use it. And he wasn't about to complain about dinner being paralyzed while he lopped its head off. That seemed a perfectly fine thing to him and meant cooking would happen sooner rather than later. At least his spit roasts weren't hell on the digestive system like Felsi's cooking!

Planting his axe nearby, he looked the mage up and down. He sure looked happy. Not drunk happy though so it was a mystery as to what was going through that head of his. "I'll show you how old I am when I toss you off a cliff, sparkle fingers. Now spill it. What's got your knickers dancing?"

He slips the staff back into the loops on his back when the head of the bear comes off, straightening his robes and looking not unlike a cat that just got into the cream.

"Is it too much to ask you to guess? We've not seen each other in forever and I did just keep you safe from the bear. Prove you're not an old Dwarf yet." Part of the reason he wants Oghren to guess is because he doesn't think the Dwarf can, but there's a tiny chance. Oghren's drunk all the time and rather oblivious... except sometimes he's able to see through far more than anyone expects. Anders wants to know if Oghren had known Nate felt something for the mage.

This was looking like some kind of game that he wasn't into. But fine he'd play along because it might mean he'd get some of that magic for roasting the bear meat. Maybe he'd even share some of it with Anders just because they hadn't seen each other in ages. Yeah. That was how he'd go for it.

"You got someone to flip your skirts again and bend you over for a ride." Sure it was a filthy first thought but this was Oghren. Sex and booze. Those were his two favorite things to talk about. Well that and how great passing a big one could feel. Let one of those out and ahhhhhh... Best feeling ever.

He grins and raises his left hand, waggling his fingers at Oghren... and showing off a ring.

"Someone who wants to repeatedly flip my skirts and bend me over for a ride. Someone who is a fantastic ride, no less, and I've no regrets having them as my only." A dramatic beat before he's pulling out his boot knife and gesturing at the bear with it, coming to help cut it into manageable parts.

"And you may be acquainted with them."

"What? Finding how well marriage goes by watching me didn't clue you into the fact that marriage is terrible?" Honestly he didn't feel that way. He didn't regret his marriages to Branka or to Felsi. Especially not to Felsi. He just wasn't the husband sort and better off supporting them another way. The Commander had taught him that much and it was why he had a little toy his kid had given to him tucked away inside his armor for safe keeping.

Though he was acquainted with this person? He could only think of those from Vigil's Keep because they were the ones they'd both be likely to know here. Obviously not the Commander. Definitely not Sigrun. He couldn't imagine Anders still having a piece between his legs with Velanna. Not Justice. No explanation required there.

Waaait. "You and the Howe?"

And then he frowned. Suddenly he was not a happy Dwarf. "What are you two doing? Twisting the nipples of my ancestors to see if you can get them to kick my arse around?"

His hands went up in the air. "Now I'll never have a lady! They'll be all over you two and the cat! What sort of friends are you?" And he jabbed a finger at Anders' stomach. "And why wasn't I invited to the wedding? I would've given you both a toast!"

That's a lot of emotions and words all at once, and a finger jab to dodge. Anders isn't overwhelmed by the flood, he'd half-expected it, but that doesn't make it easy to reply to all of it with more than a chuckle.

"Marriage isn't for everyone. But it's something I've wanted very much, and yes, with Howe, and I think we can make it work." He's not sure if it was process of elimination or if Oghren had noticed anything, there. The clue had made it fairly obvious, truth be told.

"You'll have all the ladies you'd have anyway as I'm no longer pursuing them. There's one in particular named Kaisa you've a fair shot at, another Warden. And..." His smile slips a little. "We didn't know where you were. Sending an invitation out for my wedding could invite... trouble. I'm not exactly popular. Now please stop jabbing me while I'm cutting into the bear."

Grumbling about rude people not sending invites, he helped Anders by being the one to pull the innards away and even putting them on a cloth from some camping supplies he had. They'd be good to have later since they could be used for other things. Could even get some good sausages cooked up in those guts.

"Women are into that whole men liking men thing. They'd be all over you two just chirping away. It's not fair at all." He heard that last part and went over again.

"Sounds like a story for alcohol." He laughed a bit. "You can't hold your liquor but you're going to have a drink while we eat roast bear. Then you can tell me. Until then I want to hear about this Kaisa girl."

He gave a little grin. "Has she got a good chest to flop onto?"

He snickered as Oghren griped and then changed topics, wagging a finger at the dwarf and starting to gather some wood so they can cook the meat.

"She's a very pleasant shape. You might have to bathe before she'd let you close, though. And by now I'm certain that anyone chirping over my love for Nate is very aware of the fact I've no intention of straying. As far as the other..."

The happy expression fades and Anders sighs. "I don't know how you've not heard." He'd much prefer to focus on stacking the wood up and casting.

So they were talking about this without the booze, huh? He sighed and went to yank fur back before dragging it over to rest over a rock to try out the moist parts. Really it looked like a little kid trying to haul a blanket too big for him. A smelly hair kid but still a kid.

With that done, he went about helping to chop up the meat. There was a grumph to his voice now as he spoke. "Thought that was a thing I dreamed up while I was passed out under a table. You telling me you actually blew something up."

It's been a very long time since he's gotten drunk, and after having many times where he's lost control thanks to Justice, Anders isn't really sure he wants to lose control again. Sober isn't a great state for this, but it's better.

"I... I am." He started placing rocks around the fire and rinsing them off with fast-melting ice so the meat can be cooked on them. "I wasn't in a good place, I was possessed, and I made a poor decision. A stupid, desperate decision, after several friends had been killed and the Circle was about to be slaughtered."

While Anders can't defend the decision, it hadn't happened in isolation.

Yep. They should have been drinking for this. Oghren wasn't that big on all this serious talk for long so after a moment, he ended up doing the best thing to break the tension. Something he was really good at.

He passed a big bubble of gas that sounded like some sort of horn trumpeting from his ass region. A little laugh after that and he grinned at him. "Guess my rump doesn't care much about all that."

Then he went to cutting the meat of the bear into manageable slabs. "So, possessed huh? That some new one for an infection in your nethers? Not sure I've ever blown anything up when I've had one of those. Usually it just gets itchy and pussy then I dump some salve on it till it goes away. Works like a charm."

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TEST DRIVE MEME!

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