TEST DRIVE MEME!

[faderifting]

WHAT A GLOOORIOUS FEELING

WE'RE STILL IN THE HINTERLANDS

How’s the weather, Inquisition? Terrible. Heavy rainfall pelts the plains and the mountains, four straight days of it! Dark clouds block out the sun. It may begin to feel like there’s no end to the storms in sight. When darkness falls, cold evening temperatures turn that rain frigid. Your boots, your socks, they’re soaked through. Everyone smells like wet wool.

And as if all that weren’t enough: the increased rainfall loosens patches of mud and shale, causing mudslides.

---

1. We’re not in Orzammar anymore…

A recent group of dwarven traders bearing fine crafts and goods were inbound for Skyhold, ready to flood the markets with their wares. Instead, they got flooded out.

Yes, word has reached the Inquisition that the traders have been unfortunately detained by the weather and they are now in need of a rescue. Dare you venture out into the lashing rain and sliding mud to rescue the traders?

If you do so dare, you’ll find some of the traders to be exceedingly grateful for your efforts, ready to bestow handsome rewards on you, O Brave Soul -- just as soon as you’ve escorted them safely back to Skyhold. Or you might find a cluster of more disagreeable traders, grumpy at the water in their boots and the loss of their goods. Some of those goods might still be rescuable, if you want to wade out into a mud field to retrieve a fallen chest, or tug an errant terrified donkey back onto what’s passing for dry road these days.

As you carry these treasures back to their masters, or back to Skyhold, you might consider helping yourself to a sampling of the wares on your way back. After all, your reward might not be adequate, and you are risking your life for these ungrateful sons of mothers. Just don’t get caught. These traders don’t look kindly on thieves, and frayed tempers snap easily.

Feel free to get stuck on your way to the rescue, too. Weather out the storm with a fellow do-gooder. These days, the rescuers might need rescuing just as much.

2. Are you mad? That’s twelve year old scotch!

In Skyhold and the surrounding tent towns, what with the confusion and the panic and the scramble for high ground, market stalls are left unattended and wares are ripe for the taking. For some, temptation proves to be too much. Where there’s disaster, there’s often looting! A few vendors defend their own wares, and those that can’t make desperate entreaties for assistance. Bandits! Thieves!

Are you a brave and hale friend to the Inquisition and to good honest trade, ready to defend the wares of the waterlogged merchants? Or maybe your sticky fingers spot a tempting treasure too great to ignore. If they didn’t want it stolen, they should have taken it with them! Watch out for that Qunari metalsmith with the mean right hook. He’s not to be trifled with, and his blow will leave you toothless in the mud.

3. I gotta go, Julia, we got bears.

The rainfall has disturbed more than the mud. Bears, resting in their caves, have found their caves to be too damp for their liking, and they’ve taken to the open air to vent their spleens. Some people say that the bears are as frightened as you are, but when you’re faced with a six hundred pound beast with huge pointy teeth, their innocence is a little harder to keep in perspective.

The tents surrounding greater Skyhold are especially worried by rogue bears. Make a stand against them, or else help evacuate a threatened campsite. Mudwrestling a bear is a great way to impress the ladies, or the gentlemen… but no one will blame you for beating a hasty retreat.

4. We got 12 skins of water, 56 ales, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, hazelnut paste, cheese, bread, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancakes, dry grain, milk, sweet tomato sauce, half a pudding, half-ounce Sour Wine, 3 1/2 grams Grand Inquisitor Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 ecstasy potions, a smutty woodcut, a bat…

TIME TO HUNKER DOWN. In the tavern, the barkeep is handing out free spiced wine to anyone who takes refuge behind her door. The din of conversation and lutesong makes a fine lullabye for the careworn traveler, and you might find yourself inadvertently dropping off to sleep. Or maybe someone’s fallen asleep on you.

Who can blame the slumberers, finally safe and warm and dry? In the tavern, the fires have been built up to ward off the chill and the damp, but relaxation is a little more difficult these days. You really have to elbow your way in there to get close to that warmth. Once you get close enough, you’ll find that the hearths are taken up with dozens and dozens of wet socks and wetter boots, steaming gently as they dry. Be disgusted if you want, or else peel off your own and go barefoot while you wait.

Hey! What’s going on over there? Someone’s taking one of your socks! Stop, thief!

If you can’t make it to the tavern, you might find yourself holed up somewhere a little more unlikely. The limited space within Skyhold means there aren’t a lot of free rooms. That door you shoulder open in desperation might have an owner already. Intrusions aren’t always unwelcome, but beware of what -- or who! -- you might find.

5. Lots of fish… and lots of weather.

WILDCARD. Whatever you do, just remember: there’s a lot of rain, you’re very wet, and if you’re feeling amorous, keep in mind that everyone smells like wet wool. We cannot stress this enough.

Comments

for once, not the bears;

[hlif]

Usually Asher is the one starting the tavern fights. It happens; someone looks at Asher the wrong way, says the wrong thing, well it's waving a red rag at a druffalo and off he goes. Tonight he's walking into the scene of chaos, still battered and bruised from a job in Gwaren and time spent in the hold when he ducks a swing aimed his way before savagely kicking the idiot's legs out from under them, stamping down hard on a kneecap until it gives way with a sickening but satisfying crunch.

He keeps out of it for once though, he looks like shit and he's got plenty of wagons of goods tethered outside to get back to Skyhold all in one piece as he eases himself into a seat with a grunt, slamming his hand down harder on the bar harder than he needs to.

"Pint. The good stuff, don't even try to cheat me with the pisswater," he growls before he glances over, the thunderous look on his face disappearing as he begins to grin. "Shite, Lena? What're you doing in my little slice of bumfuck nowhere?"

[fightingdirty]

"Oh, is this your slice of bumfuck nowhere?" she asks. "No wonder it smells like pig shit." Said with no small amount of good humor. Lena tends to gravitate towards loud-mouthed assholes so they can spend their time obnoxiously raising their voices and swapping stories about dumb shit they've done. And no one has dumb shit stories like Asher.

She pauses to take a drink before adding, "On my way to Skyhold, but got caught up in this endless fucking rain instead."

[hlif]

"They're pedigree pigs, d'you have any idea how much the bastards cost?" Don't even ask, he's still ashamed that he could actually recite that after going with his dad to pick them up as a small boy so he'd be out from under his mother's feet for a while at least. Look, this is Asher's home, technically, so he's going to defend it because only he can talk shit about it. "Besides, you're in Ferelden, the official story is that it smells like dog shit on account of us being secretly part mabari."

Somehow his pint makes it to the bar from the annoyed looking barman and well fuck you, no tips for arseholes, welcome to the real world jackass. "Don't be a baby, a little rain never hurt anyone, s'good for you, stops you from getting soft as a Free Marcher. If you want a companion though I'm heading back up as well with a load of supplies, trip home to get some space ended up being a whole...thing." And he shrugs, grinning even though it hurts as he takes a gulp of his drink, still black and blue and bloodied all over.

[fightingdirty]

"I never got that," she answers. "Grew up in north Ferelden, but apparently when you look like an ox, they skip right past the dog comparisons." Being called an ox only bothers her because it's not even creative. Put a little effort into it, or don't fucking bother.

"The rain's only bothering me because my boots are pieces of shit and falling apart. I can barely walk in the damn things. I just slide instead." But now she gives him an intrigued look. "Got any Vashoth-sized boots in your supplies?" The fact that he looks beat to the Void and back? Not surprising in the least.

[hlif]

"Because we're human, being lazy is why you and I have jobs in the first place because other people hire us to do the things they actually could do themselves if they could be arsed to really do it. We're just lucky that we're big enough and ugly enough that we can argue a fairer price for it than a lot of others." That an elf handles the financial arrangements for Asher's crew is no secret, what is less well-known to those that aren't friends because employers generally don't really go beyond what they see with their own two eyes is that the other woman that goes along with her has elf blood running in her veins beneath her very human looking face.

Tut tut tut Lena. With a speculative scratch of his beard, he leans back, and it speaks to the fact that he's really hurting that he has to hold the bar with one hand to make sure he doesn't pitch right back out of his seat to get a decent look at her feet. "Might do actually. I was up at the hold with that side of the family, they threw in a whole bunch of shit, wasn't really for the Inquisition exactly, more of a 'why the fuck are you in our mountains lowlanders' sort of thing' y'know? Think it's meant to be a reminder that the Frostbacks are still occupied so you might just be in luck. If Avvar boots don't offend, I don't know what the Vashoth girls are into these days, Korrin Ataash is meant to be into girls with green hands so there you go."

[fightingdirty]

"Aww, c'mon. I can be twice the lazy fuck you humans can be," she says with a smirk, though it turns quickly into an eye roll at the way he holds on to the table. You'd think this was his first fight. Man up, Asher.

"I'll wear me some Avvar boots. I'll wear pretty much anything that doesn't have the sole break down like a little Orlesian bitch getting their dainty slippers damp." Meaning some of the masked assholes whining over by the fire. Merchants or some such thing. Shouldn't they be used to bad weather?

She snorts and tips her head towards him. "Oh, Araceli. I've heard all about her. Told Korrin to watch she doesn't use that Fade-ripping hand on Korrin's ladybits, but other than that, sounds like a good situation. Not sure I want one of my own, though. Being able to mess with the Fade and all that demon shit is sort of a mood killer."

[hlif]

Lena he went home to see the family (meaning: he saw his mother) and then the hold (meaning he did a lot of climbing and hunting and wrestling) and then took an abomination to the chest on what should have been a really simple job to clear out a group of petty smugglers that by no accounts should have had a smuggler. There's every chance he punctured a lung. Or that Amalia did something healing him because Amalia isn't gentle with her healing spells at all. "I've told you before that your horns don't get added to your height so you don't actually get to count that in any sort of official measurements for anything."

He does snort though at the idea of her in little Orlesian shoes, even putting on the accent. "But Madame, these are the latest fashion, these little jade slippers encrusted with emeralds, they are sure to make you turn every head at the ball!" Okay his accents are terrible he gave up at fashion, whatever.

"Pretty girl, but c'mon, live a little, I'd let one of them put their Fade-hand on my cock. Mal's got a fancy Fade-hand, I'm going to see if I can get him drunk enough again to try it out on me. Just for nostalgia, or something like that. Or," and he's leaning in, with that Asher Is Going To Get Weird Grin on his face, "can you imagine if I had a Fade-dick! The possibilities Lena!"

[fightingdirty]

Her response to that is to roll her eyes and take a drink. That drink barely stays in her mouth, however, when he puts on that accent. Her eyes widen and she snorts once she's safely swallowed. Asher has always been good at getting a laugh out of her, the little shit.

"Oo la la!" she returns, pitching her voice higher and also going for the terrible accent. "I will take seven pair! One for every day of the week!" Yeah, she kind of wants to vomit just from pretending to be Orlesian.

"I need to spy that encounter," she says, because she has no shame and Mal getting huffy is funny as fuck. "If anyone could get him to do it, it's you." But then she's leaning in too in order to hear this amazing idea of his and it leaves her leaning back and giving him a playful shove.

"Come off it! You want a green, glowy piece of the Fade embedded in your dick? You're crazy!"

[hlif]

Lady bro don't get spit on him there are only a few times he's down with that and spraying drink everywhere is kind of his domain, don't encroach on his turf on his literal turf. It feels good to be able to laugh properly after the shitshow life turned into at Skyhold right before he decided to leave before he did something that got him kicked out. This is for the future, he's not letting a bunch of Wardens and their idiotic decisions cock it up for him.

"Warn a man, for fuck's sake Lena," he snorts, leaning over to give her a shove. "I want you to order some, just for the look of horror at having to try to to measure your feet, can you imagine the fussing? They'd think they'd be infectious or something." Asher got measured a few times because he had no choice, something about having to dress fancy to go to parties and then Liadan just got his measurements because it wasn't worth trying to fight a greased nuggalope.

Something like that.

"I'm holding you to that, this whole tavern is my witness!" That'd be more convincing if the tavern gave a shit but she can back him up. As it stands, they're talking about his dick and that's way more interesting anyway. "But I could save the world. With my dick. And that would be recorded until the end of time."

[fightingdirty]

"They'd probably be surprised I don't have hooves," she states dryly. In her experience, get too many humans together who love the sound of their own voices, and suddenly her race are a bunch of mooing farm animals.

"Okay, fair, but don't these shard things fuck with people's hands? Like I can't imagine the fucking things aren't going to rot off. I'll kill you if you tell Korrin I said that; she's smitten with her girl, but I don't think green Fade shit is going to play nice trapped under the skin." Hey, Araceli sounds nice, and she sure as the Void doesn't wish this upon her, but it seems bound to happen, doesn't it?

[hlif]

"You should see if you can start a trend, you and Korrin wearing shoes shaped like hooves and just booting folk that piss you off in the face or the crotch as you see fit. I'd support it," he replies, earnest as only he can be when he gets going but it comes from a good place. He's called a heathen barbarian and a wild animal most days anyway, and that's by his fellow countrymen, Orlesians have much less kind nicknames for him though none are quite so rude as oxman.

"Telling her, Korth as my witness it's my duty to tell her because we both know that if I said that you'd go running off to tell on me but...I mean maybe if it's the end of a battle and it's a big rift and it happens, and I'm bleeding out anyway then I can close the rift then pop my clogs and just go. Makes me worry a bit more about Mal though now." Look, Lena you can worry about Korrin and her girl but someone has to worry about Mal because Mal just has a dog so Asher will worry about Mal, even if Mal is probably shuddering and swearing to himself wondering what went wrong and why he feels faint all of a sudden.

[fightingdirty]

"Bullshit, I would," she growls out, glaring down at him. "That's shit I'm not kicking up. She's smart; she's probably thought about it enough as it is. Bringing it up is just rubbing salt in the wound." Her expression stays angry as she takes a drink, but as she swallows, it smooths out. Lena rarely looks worried, so it's just a vague, neutral expression.

"Yeah," she agrees after a moment. "I'd rather be wrong on this, or his hand's gonna explode or die or whatever too."

[hlif]

"Calm your tits Lena," he mutters, signalling for another drink when he knocks his back now that none of the crew are around to tell him off like he's a child that can't be trusted. "This is bloody depressing and I went to the hold to get my head screwed on straight so where the hell have you been then? Korrin was already at Skyhold when I got there and she said the rest of Valo-Kas were elsewhere but it's just your mug I'm seeing about these parts, has a man wondering what took you so long to decide to follow on after your kith."

[fightingdirty]

Lena's posture stiffens and she holds off answering before having another drink. This topic is a sensitive one, but the words "Lena" and "sensitive" don't really mix. Unfortunately, she can't punch feelings into submission, so she has to drink more.

"All the Valo-Kas that got blown up at the Conclave? My brother was one of them." She pauses, unsure how to explain her mindset at that time. She's not sure she actually can. Not in words. Perhaps just guttural screams. But she'll hold back so as not to literally scare the piss out of everyone in this tavern.

"I needed to go away for awhile. I didn't want to hear about fucking noble causes or any of that shit. I just wanted to kill people. Nobody knew who blew up the place back then, except assuming it was that one woman with the shard in her hand. I didn't buy it, so there was no one to blame. I took off. Besides, Hissera's mother died there too. Wanted to keep an eye on her."